Lorde is telling the truth about how she really was — and it’s not pretty or authentic to the neat long letter she previously wrote to fans.
The 26-year-old, who launched her career with the 2012 hit ‘Royals’, said: ‘I’m constantly hurting’ and shared her relationship status and how she feels stifled by social media, revealing her decision to break up. with a certain drug that he has been taking for more than ten years.
“I chose my words well, but I did not tell the truth. So I’m starting over, I’m going to write and I’m not going to look back and I’m going to post what comes out,” the singer-songwriter wrote Wednesday in a cryptic newsletter that keeps followers updated on her physical and mental health. Realizing her feelings, creative withering, and feeling lost in the day-to-day, she revealed that work and fame were taking a toll on her. She also shared recent photos, her current reading and got involved with the Kindness Institute, a mental health resource for Maori youth that recently lost government funding.
But she tried to end the gloomy check-in on a positive note.
“I hope you’re taking care of yourself. Don’t worry about me, I’m still laughing every day, everything is moving, even if it’s slow. I’ve accepted a mission – I need to recover,” she concluded the update.
Fans interpreted the singer’s bittersweet honesty as teasing new music, even though she hasn’t specifically announced any upcoming projects.
The New Zealander, whose real name is Ella Yelich-O’Connor, said she had been living in London since May but was homesick. And after her apparent split from Justin Warren, 42, who she dated since 2015, she is “living with a broken heart again”.
“[The heartbreak is] different but the same. It still hurts, I forget why and then I remember. I don’t try to hide from pain, now I understand that pain is not something to hide from, that there is actually great beauty in moving with it. But sometimes I’m sick of being alone,” she wrote.
The two-time Grammy winner said she eats the chocolate to try to “manipulate the endorphins” and bring back the “sweet happiness of Easter morning”.
“I’m sitting in a time machine waiting for it to move, but it hasn’t been invented yet,” Lorde wrote, adding, “My body is really fired up, it’s trying to tell me something and I’m trying to support it. but nothing seems to help and i’m frustrated.
“My bowels aren’t working right, my skin is worse than ever, I’ve been sick half a dozen times,” she continued. “I realized earlier this year that listening to my body is hard for me, it’s something I’ve never really learned. I tried to learn it this year but it was actually hard quite a confrontation it made me fully aware of when I ignored it or didn’t give it what it needed I shamed it into a fight or flight response took a handful of pills and pushed through.
“I stopped taking that little yellow pill every morning for a thousand shots since I was 15 5 days ago. We’ll see how it goes,” she added.
The “Team” singer then turned her sleight of hand to social media trappings, looking at the “beautiful people” singing to her and those wearing “the right bag, the right sunglasses.”
“I wonder if it’s as good as it looks, it’s been so long since I picked the best picture out of a hundred, lined it up like I was pulling an arrow from a bow, and let it go. They all look very thin. Just thinking about it makes me feel tired and distant. Not sure if this affects anyone else. I keep spending money wondering if what’s in the package will make me feel good, but I guess I’m buying the wrong stuff,” she wrote.
Lorde said she had planned to go to Paris this week for fashion week but canceled all her “big plans”: “I wrote to my manager and pulled out. I promised myself at the beginning of my career that I would never be one of those people who smiled in the light if it wasn’t real.”
She explained that she turns to music as catharsis, leading fans to believe that she has new music on the way. (Lorde released her third studio album, “Solar Power,” in 2021, exploring the burdens of fame on the record, and toured in support of it last year. It was her first new music in four years.)
“Maybe it seems funny or easy to forget, but I make records because I need to. Songs are spells; a spell that lets something go, a spell that unlocks a door. Every time I put something into words as I see it, set it to the right music, a knot comes loose inside me,” she wrote.
“But it hurts too, confronting the knots. I’ve made enough records to know that feeling like my skin is peeling off is part of it. I know that I will look back on this year with fondness and a little reverence, knowing that it was the year that locked everything into place, the year that took me from my child’s work decade to the one to come—the year that even through it all i’m so excited. It’s hard when you’re in it.”
That’s why she went on a “short European festival tour” “in this state”. The singer-songwriter created a new version of the show in a few days and said it was “good to switch gears and get out of my head”.
Lorde said she “put effort” into the show, changing the set list and arrangements, commenting: “It was great how you took it and it was nice to dance with you to the new versions, to watch you all sweaty with your friends , all on the same drugs.”
“I could feel the pulsation of history now beneath this music, how each year these songs feel like collectively written and sung compositions. I left my body and merged with yours and it was ecstasy. Then I went home to a business hotel and washed the glitter and smoke out of my hair.’
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